I liked this

THE MIRACLE OF SPRING

We glibly talk
of nature's laws
but do thing have
a natural cause?

Black earth turned into
yellow crocus
is undiluted
hocus-pocus.

it's by Pietr Haus a Dutch...limericist? satirist? poet?

15 Books

What books have I read, that will always stick with me?

1) The Bible is the most influential book, and I read in it every day. It is a study book, as well as a Living Word that changes me.

2) The Book of Psalms is my favorite book, period. If it weren't in the Bible, it would still be my favorite.

3) The Hobbit

4) Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Tolkien has been my favorite author since 7th grade. His world was where I lived when I was 17. I think reading JRR Tolkien was like meeting one of the last classically educated minds. CS Lewis, too. They bring the greats with them to their story telling and essaying.

5) The Great Divorce by CS Lewis. I read that book when I was in 7th grade and have read it many times since. It teaches me that Heaven is more real than any place within the cosmos.

6) Why Cats Paint -a picture book about cats who make streaks, dots, splashes and other colorful explorations on windows, walls, and mirrors. It gave me pause, to think that they might see in color, and might choose the color that they see, to dab on a "canvas".

7) Silverlock- this is a paperback book that I wish would come back into print. About a man who goes down in a ship at sea and washes ashore on The Commonwealth, where characters from good literature make their livings. Here it was that I first met The Last Mohican and David Crockett and Sam Houston, Don Quixote...well, all of the greats of literature. And Silverlock, the main character, grows and becomes a decent human being by the end. A romp-roaring fun read...Hm...time to read it again...

8) No Moment Too Small- a book about the disciplines of Silence, Prayer, and Holy Reading. It taught me that being quiet and listening is A Good Thing.

9) The Neck of the Giraffe by Stephen J Gould (?)...I read it as a new Christian, and found an evolutionist saying things like "what do we do with the fact that the fossil record really isn't supporting Darwinian evolution?" He invented Punctuated Equilibrium to avoid the possibility that life really DIDN'T spontaneously evolve out of ... ?

10) Celebration of Discipline. This book taught me about the classic disciplines of Christian life. Opened my heart up to the practicality of living for Christ. Read for the first time when I was a babe in the Lord.

11) Follow My Leader about a boy who loses his eyesight in a firecracker accident. I read it in 4th grade and just loved it. I wrote about the boy who invented gunpowder, after reading that book! made me want to write, it did. (the boy who invented gunpowder, just so you know, lived in DesMoines, Iowa! hahaha!)

12) Fairy Tales by the Brothers Grimm...grim was the right word...I read those stories in bed as a little girl, and was appalled and compelled by the wicked little kids in them, and their gruesome punishments.

13) Audubon's Birds of America...a classic. I've used it many times to identify birds I've seen. There are better bird books out there now, but the Audubon is the one I've flipped through most often. It has that lovely old book smell.

14) Attack of the Hideous Mutant Monster Snow Goons w/Calvin & Hobbes. Or Revenge of the Babysat. Either of these are fine for a mindless hour, to get a good chuckle and feel better about life.

15) 1940 Hymnal of the Episcopal Church. I love the beautiful music in this book! It shaped me as much or more than anything else in my childhood.

Truth in the Inward Being

June 24, 2009

        Years, actually decades, ago, I recognized the beauty of the Holy Spirit and desired to have Him in my life. And it took awhile, but after a span of deep sin and wandering far from the Lord, He brought me in with repentance. That was about 25 years ago, and He has done a lot in me, changed me within. He has restored the years the locusts had eaten, as promised.

        For all this time, I have known the vocabulary, and have responded correctly: I am a sinner, and I need a Savior. Of course I’m a sinner…look at all the sins I’ve committed. Even though I am sinful, God loves me and gave Himself for me. Of course He loves me, for God is love. It is a gift; I can’t strive hard enough to earn it. The words have been in my mouth, and there has been some truth in my inner being over the years…but mostly, I’ve been pretty happy with myself. Or at least, complacent. That’s the word. I have had a complacency about me. “I *used* to sin that way, but not any more” and that little attitude evolved through “Can you believe ANYONE would do such a thing? Ugh” to “Thank You Lord, that I am not like that sinner over there” Pretty bad, actually. Looking quite often to the sins of others and comparing. Hard hearted, living a lie (yes, my marriage to Jim was so fraught with dishonesty and mistrust, I can say I lived a lie with him. We had no truth between us) and full of myself. Critical of all I perceived, except my gaze was ever outward so I didn’t see my own truth.

        Oh, I would have said “It’s God’s doing. Glory to God.” And been pious and all. But inwardly I was at a place where I believed myself to be really clean. Righteous. Not all that bad. Loveable. And God had blessed me with an amazing prayer ministry, and I was so blessed (and so proud) to be used so amazingly by Him.

        Well, He knocked me down a pin or two. I have shown myself to be quite capable of self-will, turning my back on Him in the midst of incredible blessing, and going my own way. Letting go of His hand. Yanking my hand out of His protective grasp, actually. “I can do  it MYSELF!”

        With Gordie, I went and did the very same thing that I did with Jason’s dad: accepted a proposal that I knew wasn’t right, because I didn’t want to hurt the other person…and I didn’t want to do that, because in hurting him he might reject me. But this is the kicker: by ignoring God’s will for me and seeking a man instead of His face, I made myself utterly a person who must be rejected by a righteous God.

        Mind you, I already was a person who must be rejected by Him, and I had given lip service to this for a long time…but the truth of it for my own heart had never been revealed to me. I am a wretch, incapable of any kind of good. Utterly useless. It scared me. It made me weak so that I couldn’t even stand to worship. How could I have joy in God, when I was so unworthy even to gaze upon Him or ponder Him? If I did it this time, again, then I am perfectly capable of doing it another time, again, and that scared me.

        In my own eyes, I went from “not that bad” (which was a lie) to completely dark, sinful, selfish, hard hearted…unlovable. (which is the truth, and it hit me right in the heart. See Psalm 51:6) And guess what the Lord says about that? (Oh, it makes me weep! What a precious Lord, what an amazingly sweet Savior!)…He said “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted…” Here I am, having known God for two and a half decades, at the beginning of the Beatitudes. I finally get it, for real.

        In this place, I can truly say “do with me what you will, if you will have me, for I am not worthy to be called your child. Put me in the corner where I can remain completely useless, and I will be content to gaze on You. Or not. Put out my eyes, for I am not worthy even to gaze upon You” 

       Poverty of spirit. It is the beginning of a walk with God. How ironic that it took me this long to get here.

Food Decision

Today, I decided I'm going to cut sugar out of my diet. I already avoid HFCS, which is Not a Good Substance and decreases your body's ability to sense satiety. But when reading labels, if I saw "cane sugar" I was okay with it. Don't eat MUCH sugar daily, but I haven't cut it completely.

However, I am making that decision today. I'm simply going to get it off of my plate and out of my mouth. "If it tastes sweet, spit it out." This may be a temporary change, but it is something I'm quite ready to do. One of the bodily changes that stem from the mental changes I've been working on for the past few weeks.

Oh...still eating at least one big green salad per day. YUM! I've actually developed a strong desire for this kind of food: raw, green, and a variety of colors by way of many raw veggies. In fact, today I put a DVD in, and grabbed a snack to munch while watching: a bag of spinach leaves! ha! it was quite yummy and Robby helped me eat them.

It is kind of amazing to me, how my thought habits have influenced my daily food intake, and the desire to move my body. Maybe there is something to this whole "mind over matter" thing.

Facebook

Okay, so I got a facebook account. From what I can tell, it's like Twitter on a computer instead of a phone. It is like many internet places: short, temporary input from a lot of people, without any real dialogue. Now, Facebook is kind of cool, especially when someone from long ago connects, but more than anything it just seems like a busy place for idle chatter...IRL, I wouldn't necessarily hang out in such a location, you know? Too much noise, too much small talk. I mean, why is there a notice about a 15 year old girl whom I knew 10 years ago, eating a strawberry sundae? And why am I reading about it on my home page? Forgive me. I'm feeling cranky about it, is all.

I fear that, with a rare exception or two, the internet isn't a place for indepth anything. I'm almost to a point of using it only for research, and never mind about really getting deep into any exchange of ideas. To tell the truth, I think the internet has demolished our attention spans (I know it has, mine) and made us into consumers of sound bytes (or text bytes) incapable of reading three consecutive paragraphs or comprehending the ideas behind what we read. Even my own blog entries don't deeply explore the ideas...because my attention span has been so drastically reduced, I can't even follow my own train of thought to bring anything unique to the table. Well, usually. I've gotten out of practice for really thinking, and Facebook isn't going to be conducive to it, either.

It will turn out to be another distraction, keeping me from doing the work of the Kingdom. I better be careful.

still...it would be cool if that old high school friend did accept my friend offer. Wonder what he's been up to...living in Japan now...cool.