June 24, 2009

        Years, actually decades, ago, I recognized the beauty of the Holy Spirit and desired to have Him in my life. And it took awhile, but after a span of deep sin and wandering far from the Lord, He brought me in with repentance. That was about 25 years ago, and He has done a lot in me, changed me within. He has restored the years the locusts had eaten, as promised.

        For all this time, I have known the vocabulary, and have responded correctly: I am a sinner, and I need a Savior. Of course I’m a sinner…look at all the sins I’ve committed. Even though I am sinful, God loves me and gave Himself for me. Of course He loves me, for God is love. It is a gift; I can’t strive hard enough to earn it. The words have been in my mouth, and there has been some truth in my inner being over the years…but mostly, I’ve been pretty happy with myself. Or at least, complacent. That’s the word. I have had a complacency about me. “I *used* to sin that way, but not any more” and that little attitude evolved through “Can you believe ANYONE would do such a thing? Ugh” to “Thank You Lord, that I am not like that sinner over there” Pretty bad, actually. Looking quite often to the sins of others and comparing. Hard hearted, living a lie (yes, my marriage to Jim was so fraught with dishonesty and mistrust, I can say I lived a lie with him. We had no truth between us) and full of myself. Critical of all I perceived, except my gaze was ever outward so I didn’t see my own truth.

        Oh, I would have said “It’s God’s doing. Glory to God.” And been pious and all. But inwardly I was at a place where I believed myself to be really clean. Righteous. Not all that bad. Loveable. And God had blessed me with an amazing prayer ministry, and I was so blessed (and so proud) to be used so amazingly by Him.

        Well, He knocked me down a pin or two. I have shown myself to be quite capable of self-will, turning my back on Him in the midst of incredible blessing, and going my own way. Letting go of His hand. Yanking my hand out of His protective grasp, actually. “I can do  it MYSELF!”

        With Gordie, I went and did the very same thing that I did with Jason’s dad: accepted a proposal that I knew wasn’t right, because I didn’t want to hurt the other person…and I didn’t want to do that, because in hurting him he might reject me. But this is the kicker: by ignoring God’s will for me and seeking a man instead of His face, I made myself utterly a person who must be rejected by a righteous God.

        Mind you, I already was a person who must be rejected by Him, and I had given lip service to this for a long time…but the truth of it for my own heart had never been revealed to me. I am a wretch, incapable of any kind of good. Utterly useless. It scared me. It made me weak so that I couldn’t even stand to worship. How could I have joy in God, when I was so unworthy even to gaze upon Him or ponder Him? If I did it this time, again, then I am perfectly capable of doing it another time, again, and that scared me.

        In my own eyes, I went from “not that bad” (which was a lie) to completely dark, sinful, selfish, hard hearted…unlovable. (which is the truth, and it hit me right in the heart. See Psalm 51:6) And guess what the Lord says about that? (Oh, it makes me weep! What a precious Lord, what an amazingly sweet Savior!)…He said “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted…” Here I am, having known God for two and a half decades, at the beginning of the Beatitudes. I finally get it, for real.

        In this place, I can truly say “do with me what you will, if you will have me, for I am not worthy to be called your child. Put me in the corner where I can remain completely useless, and I will be content to gaze on You. Or not. Put out my eyes, for I am not worthy even to gaze upon You” 

       Poverty of spirit. It is the beginning of a walk with God. How ironic that it took me this long to get here.